Posted in decoration

Isomalt Splash

After my last post (https://bitchesthatbake.home.blog/2020/09/11/lemon-celebration-cake/) I received thousands of messages begging me to put up a tutorial on how to make the isomalt splash which decorated the top. I’m just giving the fans what they want x

Isomalt is a sugar alcohol (not the kind you can get rat arsed on though 😦 ) and when it cools it sets like hard candy – perfect for sugar art. It can be blown into little bubbles, made into delicate flowers, or in this case, slopped around to make a splash.

Before we begin, here’s the KG.

Kitchen Goss

The one accessory which should feature in every fashionista’s wardrobe: Primark’s Disney dog outfit range.

If you have a below average sized head and want to stand out from the crowd, then the small dog costumes will be right up your street. Slip into one of these and everyone will want to PET THAT DAWG.

Of course the stitch costume was whipped out after an incredibly *classy* bottomless brunch with my sistaz. The real question is though, who wore it better – me, Melis or the rat (Gregg)????

It’s the snorting for me x

Anyway, moving on. I’ve made a cheeky vid for you all instead of just a written recipe – keepin up with the tech for kids these days. Pls enjoy.

Ingredients

  • isomalt (ready tempered, clear, just get on amazon)
  • gel food colouring
  • silicone mat (this is needed)
  • bottle of some kind

Method

  • Pop a few isomalt balls in a heatproof bowl
  • chuck in the microwave and blast in 30second intervals until bubbling
  • be really careful because it is literal molten sugar and can say from experience it hurts if you touch it
  • add in any colouring you want at this point
  • you might have to blast in the microwave again to get really hot (it sets up super quick so you have to move fast)
  • pour your bubbling isomalt onto your silicone mat
  • start to tip the mat to spread it around
  • when the isomalt has cooled slightly on the mat (30 secs) lay the mat over a bottle and hold in the desired shape
  • wait a couple of minutes until the isomalt has set hard
  • carefully remove the bottle and peel off the silicone mat – take your time you don’t want to crack your masterpiece
  • and that’s it!!! Pop it on top of your cake, sit back n chillax

And that’s everything my lovelies. Posts may be on the slow side for a while because my oven at uni is a genuine candle but I’ll see what I can rustle up.

Thanks for reading

Much love, Han, BTB x x x x x x

Posted in Cakes

Lemon Celebration Cake

We’re taking it back to my baking roots – the birthday cake. When I had first properly got into baking about age 12, the fondant bday cake was my shit. Now, fondant isn’t what all the trendy kids want (youths these days grrr), so instead we move over to buttercream cakes – tastier, but harder to make look semi-decent.

This is one of my first buttercream cakes and went a bit off the rails with it. Feelin like one of those edgy art people and off to get a very short fringe cut to fit my new persona. Honestly, just call me Bob Ross x

Before we move on, here’s this week’s KG…

Kitchen Goss

I’m back in L town after TOO long. The shag pad is finally decorated (yes the nawti Mary Berry poster has made a return.) Despite all odds, my houseplants have survived their first week (hello Miss Greenfingers). I won’t do my washing until I have 1 sock and an age 12-13 T-shirt left. My housemates don’t hate me yet – give it another week girls 😉 and my diet has gone back to exclusively sour skittles and spag bol. IT’S. GOOD. TO. BE. BACK.

Ingredients

For the sponge:

  • 340g butter
  • 340g caster sugar
  • 6 eggs
  • 340g self-raising flour
  • zest of 3 lemons

For the lemon syrup:

  • 85g caster sugar
  • juice from 1 1/2 lemons

For the buttercream:

  • 3 tbsps lemon curd
  • swiss meringue buttercream or Italian meringue buttercream (basic recipe link here, you will need 2 or 3x this recipe:)

https://bitchesthatbake.home.blog/2020/01/31/italian-meringue-buttercream/

For the splashes:

  • 4tbsps icing sugar
  • 1-3tsps water – add until very drippy

Decor:

  • Isomalt splash – tutorial coming soon don’t panic
  • cake board covered with fondant (optional)

Method

  • preheat oven to 180C and line 3 6inch round cake tins with baking paper
  • beat the shit out of your butter and sugar
  • add in the eggos one at a time – don’t worry if it looks curdled at this point
  • fold in flour, vanilla extract and zesty stuff
  • plop even amounts into your cake tins
  • bake for 20-30 mins or until a skewer comes out clean
  • start making your syrup – mix together the sugar and lemon juice
  • poke a few holes all over the cakes with a skewer or whatever pointy item you can lay your hands on
  • drizzle the syrup all over the sponges – this will keep them super *MOIST*
  • let cool completely in the tin
  • make your buttercream and add in the lemon curd to flavour
  • level cakes using a knife or a cake leveller to be extra poncey
  • place one cake layer on turntable or plate
  • add a thin layer of lemon curd, followed by a blob of buttercream
  • sandwich with the next cake layer and repeat the lemon curd and buttercream blob
  • put the final cake layer on top
  • smooth a thin layer of buttercream all around the outside of the cake – this is called a crumb coat
  • pop in the fridge for an hour (or longer) to set
  • once set, smooth over a thicker layer of buttercream – use a palette knife and cake scraper (or anything with a straight edge) to work the buttercream into nice sharp lines
  • set in the fridge for at least one hour
  • mix small amounts of buttercream with food colouring of your choice
  • bring your chilled cake out of the fridge
  • get small amounts of coloured buttercream on a palette knife (or just a normal knife) and swipe onto the cake
  • keep going until you’re happy
  • mix up your splash mixture – stir together icing sugar and water until very drippy consistency
  • add whatever colour floats your boat at this point – I went for gold but sort of just looks brown 😦
  • dip in a paintbrush and shake it like mad at your cake
  • To finish off I added an isomalt splash – TUTORIAL COMING SOON – and put onto a basic silver cake board which I iced with fondant to make it look less shit
  • cut and enjoy x

And that’s the end of that very long recipe – sorry for blabbing on. Hope you all have a wonderful week. Lots of love, Han, BTB x

Posted in Cakes

Lemon Drizzle Cake

We all love a naughty bit of lemon driz, and this recipe from my queen – Mazza Bazza – is absolutely spectacular.

I was trying out my new loaf tin for this bad boi (yes it was another B&M purchase before you ask) and now I think I’ve spiralled into a slightly worrying tin obsession. What will be next?!? Classic bundt tin, or maybe a fun willy shaped one??? Who knows x

Before we get into the citrussy goodness, time for some juicy kitchen goss…

Kitchen Goss

6 years ago, the entire nation was busy filming themselves being drenched in iced water. Sometimes you’d stumble across a gem – ones where people’s tops fell down or they slipped – but most were just like mine: uncomfortable to watch.

Here I am, aged 14, sporting my Ed Sheeran T-shirt (my first concert which I attended with my dad.) Jeans cutting off circulation to my legs, alarmingly large eyebags. Is that a festival wristband you see? Oh no sir, that is a wristband from guide camp. The bun and full fringe, a strong and iconic look that I am SURE will make a come back very shortly. I was cool x

This vid may be cringe, but the ice bucket challenge did help to raise lots of monies for a great cause and is providing quality entertainment 6 years on, so we allow it x

Anyway enough jibber jabber, on with the cake.

recipe from https://savvybites.co.uk/mary-berrys-lemon-drizzle-cake/

Ingredients

  • Cake:
  • 225g butter
  • 225g caster sugar
  • 4 eggs
  • 225g self raising flour
  • zest of 1 1/2 lemons

lemon syrup:

  • juice of 1 1/2 lemons
  • 85g caster sugar

Driz:

  • juice of 1/2 lemon
  • 100g icing sugar

Decor:

  • zest of 1/2 lemon
  • edible glitter (this is essential)

Method – makes a 2lb loaf cake

  • whack your oven on 170C and line a 2lb loaf tin with baking paper
  • Beat the sugar and butter together until paler than me
  • Add in the eggos one at a time
  • fold in your flour
  • plop into your prepared tin and bang that in your oven for 30-35mins or until a skewer comes out clean
  • whilst your cake is still hot, make your lemon syrup
  • mix the lemon juice and sugar together
  • poke loads of holes in your warm cake and pour over syrup, this will make your cake even moister and even lemony-er
  • leave cake to cool in the tin whilst it soaks up all the juicy goodness
  • once cool take out of the tin
  • make your driz by mixing the lemon juice and icing sugar
  • using a spoon drizzle the drizzle
  • decorate with your remaining zest and lots of glitter x

Anyway that’s all for today folks, hope yall have a fun n fresh week xxx

Lots of luv, Han, BTB xoxo

Posted in Savoury

Crusty White Bread

Crusty bread from a crusty girl x

Now I’m not normally a bread baker (mainly because you can’t gobble the mix as you go along) but this dough was superrrrr easy to make and actually turned out crispy n delish.

Before we get into the crumby biz, here’s this week’s kitchen goss…

Kitchen Goss

Note to self: NEVER go on a first date to the beach. We were having the time of our lives splish splashing around in Newcastle when Vic’s GoPro captured some horrific/hilarious pics that have honestly made my self esteem PLUMMET.

Pictured: 2 girls, one looks scarily like Paul Chuckle, the other just looks bad.

Action shot ❤ Caitlin, the goggles are a look x

Wig slip x

Overall, I think everyone on the beach got second hand embarrassment from us, but we had a mint time (minus thinking I had frost bite because my toes went purple.) Can’t wait for next year, love you two weirdos so much xxx

Anyway enough of that, are you bready for action? Sorry I’ll stop now, that was really bad.

(recipe adapted from https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/blog/2016/01/01/no-knead-crusty-white-bread)

Ingredients

  • 450g plain flour
  • 350ml lukewarm water (slosh your finger in it, if you can’t keep your finger in for 15secs then it’s too hot)
  • 1/2 tbsp salt
  • 7g dried yeast

Method – makes 2 loaves (you can double the recipe but not sure why you’d want 4 loaves of bread x)

  • mix everything together until it forms a very sticky dough
  • BAM! The hard work is done
  • put it in a large & in charge bowl and cover with cling film
  • let rise at room temp for 2 hours
  • then put the bowl in the fridge for 1-7 days
  • This is where the flavour develops, the longer you leave it the tangier it gets
  • (I only left mine for 1 day because I was too impatient but it was still pengaleng)
  • when you’re ready to make the bread: get 2 baking trays lined with baking paper, and flour your surface
  • sprinkle the top of the dough with flour and grab a big chunk (about half of the dough)
  • plop it onto the floured surface and shape it into a rough blob
  • repeat for the other half of dough
  • put your balls of dough onto your lined baking trays
  • sift flour over the top
  • let come to room temperature for about 1 hour
  • Slash with a sharp knife a couple of times
  • preheat your oven to 210C and put a metal tray on the bottom of your oven (we will be putting water in this to create steam)
  • put your dough in the oven, and pour one mugful of boiling water into the hot metal tray
  • shut the door quickly – the steam is what makes a really crispy crust
  • bake for 25-30mins until golden and crisp
  • Gobble as soon as it is cool enough to do so x

And that’s it folks. Thanks again for all your continued support n dat, if you’ve not already followed my instagram I’d love it if you’d take a quick peep @bitches_that_bake

Lots of luv, Han (BTB xxx)

Posted in Cakes

Self-saucing toffee pudding

You saucyyyyy minx. *Said in dirty Northern accent*

As my closest homies will know, my fave EVER dessert is a classic sticky toffee pudding. But when the craving hits, there’s just no time to scurry out to get dates or slave over making a toffee sauce. This is where this self-saucing pud saves the day.

It’s pretty snazzy, the sauce is poured over the cake batter and everything gets banged in the oven. 30 mins later and the cake has magically swapped places with the toffee sauce. It is genuine witchcraft.

Before we get crackalackin, here is the KG:

Kitchen Goss

Today is a very very special day. After 4 long weeks my homebrew is FINALLY ready for a naughty sample. Like all good craft beers, I needed an edgy name for my little baby.

Rochdale Rat Piss seemed fitting. Genuinely would rather have a plague-riddled rat from the Dale piss in my mouth than drink this.

Jokes it’s actually alright, went down a treat.

this little cutie slurpin on some homebrew x

Back to biz

(recipe adapted from https://myfoodbook.com.au/recipes/show/caramel-self-saucing-pudding)

Ingredients

  • FOR THE SAUCE
  • 60g light brown sugar
  • 1tbsp golden syrup
  • 25g butter
  • 150ml boiling water
  • FOR THE SPONGE
  • 50g butter – melted
  • 75g caster sugar
  • 125g self raising flour
  • 100ml milk
  • 1 tsp vanilla extract

Method – serves 4, double it if you want more you lard arse

  • get your oven on 180C and get a baking dish of your choice nice and greasyyyy
  • chuck the sauce ingredients (light brown shug, golden syrup, butter and boiling water) in a jug and give that a cheeky stir
  • Bang all the cake ingredients (butter, caster sugar, flour, milk and vanilla) in another bowl and give that a stir until smooth
  • put your batter in your greasy dish
  • carefully pour your sauce all over the top
  • bake for 30mins until the cake is golden and the sauce is at the bottom of the dish
  • Let sit for 5 mins cos it is literally bobby boiling
  • Crack open the ice cream, serve n enjoy x

Happy customer x

Blob of icecream. Blob into mouth. The end.

Posted in Savoury

Soft Pretzels

Salty, twisted, and a bit soft – no I’m not talking about your ex. These soft pretzels are super fun to make, and can be made salty or sweet (or both) depending what tickles your fancy.

These were another delight from my BakedIn box, and they did not disappoint. I won’t harp on about BakedIn again but they are mint (pls sponsor me xoxo).

Before we get into the twisty business, here is this week’s KG.

Continue reading “Soft Pretzels”
Posted in Savoury

Spiral Vegetable Tart

I wouldn’t mind being called a ‘tart’ if they meant this spiral veggie tart. This pastry delight is definitely more aesthetically pleasing than me, and it tastes delish too!

The good thing about this is that you can fill it with whichever veggies tickle your fancy, butternut squash, courgette, carrot, turnips, some weird looking thing you found in Aldi, the options are endless.

Continue reading “Spiral Vegetable Tart”
Posted in Other Treats

Flapjacks

Before you panic, they’re choccie chips not raisins – I’m not a sicko.

Flapjacks are such an underrated sweet treat, and they are sooo easy to make. Plus, if you’re feeling generous, they are very easily packaged up and delivered to friends, neighbours or randomers during quarantine. Obviously I didn’t do that lol, me and my family demolished them before I had the chance, but if you had a bigger heart and a smaller stomach than me, you could x

Continue reading “Flapjacks”